The Other F Word

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear... is fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance...

~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

The word FEAR -- in a sneaking, cunning, baffling way -- has gained power over me in recent days. It prompted me to look up President Roosevelt's inaugural speech with his famous quote. Upon reading his complete sentence on the matter, I am now curious what he considers "unreasoning" or "unjustified" terror. Is it what today we call "irrational" fears?

The funny thing about irrational fears is that they are totally rational to the person who fears them. And there is nothing funny about them. They aren't silly or inconsequential. In fact, I am sure they hold a great deal of power of the individual. And that alone is scary. Believe me.

Bear with me as I try to process some of this on paper. I feel like -- well, I know -- I am suffering from some irrational fears. And it's somewhat embarrassing. But no less real than any one of your greatest fears.

That's the thing about fear, we really can't compare each other's feelings of fright. It's like pain -- totally subjective to a person's tolerance level. When someone is in pain, don't say to them, "C'mon, that doesn't hurt." You can't possibly know their threshold. The same goes for fear. You can't minimize someone's feelings just because you can't imagine being afraid of flying or thunderstorms or heights or spiders. If you can't identify with their fear, then, as a friend, you just have to be there for them and try to instill some confidence.

That's the key word for me right now: confidence.

I've lost it. I am baffled that simple, somewhat automatic tasks like driving, shopping, going to church, intimidate me to this heart-pounding level. But I can understand it. My fear isn't the task itself. My fear is that while doing one of these things I will just about pass out again or not be able to stop myself from a full-bore faint.

So while my virus is gone and I feel 100% healthy, I don't "normal" yet. I don't feel free to move on.

I am not sure how.

On one hand, I am OK with baby steps, gradually re-entering into society. This seems to be working slowly but surely this week.

On the other hand, I am under a legitimate time crunch with hubby leaving town for work come Sunday and I need to be a functioning, capable adult -- driving to work (45 miles might as well be 4,500 at this point) and getting Carter where he needs to be, too.

This is going to be one helluva challenge. I guess I should feel some comfort that I never back down from a challenge. You know me, I'm too competitive to say "no." I'd rather prove I can do it. No matter what it takes.

I hope that's the case this time.

I am fortunate that some of my closest friends are psychologists. They've got a few tricks up their sleeve. And I tell you, right now, I am willing to try anything. This is no way to live. And I feel badly for people who don't have the support or coping mechanisms to address their fears. I feel for you. I just can't do anything for you.

Heck, I'm just hoping I can do it for myself!