Square 2.0

Let's just pretend for a moment that January never happened. Today, February 1, is a new year, new month, new start. That's what was rattling around in my head today as I took the Walk of Shame.

Now this wasn't your ordinary Walk of Shame. (What kind of girl do you take me for?) This was the walk back into the 7 a.m. Weight Watchers meeting after 4 months OFF, ashamed at how much weight I gained back. Ashamed I failed myself. Ashamed I didn't stick with it. Ashamed I am almost back at square one.

On a positive note, since there allegedly is no such thing as "going back to square one," as indicated above, then I am only going back to, say, Square 2.0. Hopefully as an improved, more dedicated version of myself.

I can't categorically say we've all been there (at 1 or 2.0), but I would hazard a guess that a good number of us have – whether it involved weight loss or some other goal. What is beyond frustrating for me is that I found a program that worked in a natural, healthy way and I was the one who screwed up when I quit working it.

It's been a depressing few months as my midsection has gotten wider, my clothes have gotten tighter, the scale numbers have gone up, and my self-esteem has gone down. No one but me has declared my value is tied to a number on a scale or a piece of clothing. I have so many blessings in my life yet I have such a hard time moving my sense of self-worth beyond the scale.

Am I the only one wired like this?

It's obviously a sign I need to get a handle on some things besides my love handles!

The fact I used a Taco John's token to scratch off the code for my free Weight Watchers e-tools might be an indication of what a hot mess I am. But I excel at being a hot mess and turning myself into a mild mess. Just gotta START.

I'm changing the calendar. Not looking back. And hopefully this Square 2.0 upgrade will yield some better results.

One square at a time.