Two Black Thumbs and One Cardiac Arrest

Thanks to the 3 inches of rain we've had in the last several days, the area in the backyard that I cleared of dead branches and vines has sprung to life. So I moseyed back there after work to see if I could tell what was growing.

Me and my two black thumbs... well, we can't tell.

So I snapped a photo and I'm honestly asking: What are these tall things? Are they going to bloom with flowers – like they're hidden perennials – or have I accidentally released a whole new crop of vines? 

I was wondering if I'd need to cut them or pull them out or what. Now, though, I may never go in the backyard again. I was going to head up the one set of steps that I'd just sprayed Round-Up on the other day. When it happened.

The F-bomb heard 'round the world!

Oh yes. What the ... heck?! After dropping the F-bomb, but not my phone, I took a quick, shaky photo then sprinted around to the front door, screaming like a girl. Because I am one!

Heart was racing for quite some time. Possibly heart attack levels, but not sure. And that creepy-crawly feeling? Still have it two hours later!

And, for the record, I don't care if it's a "harmless" Western Hognose or Eastern Hognose. I do not want it to be a Blue Jay Drive Hognose! Get off my lawn!

I need to watch a really funny movie tonight or something so I don't dream about this guy. 

And please tell me my new "plants" are flowers so I don't ever have to go in the backyard again. Ever.